World of Warcraft – The Mists of Pandaria

Oxhorn’s review of Pandaren & Pandaria from Blizzcon 2011

Well. It’s official. We get pandas.

Pandaria

I played the Pandaren expansion for over two hours. I finished 30+ quests and explored the whole continent. I have a fairly good grasp of the new expansion so far, and I have to say, its a pretty typical WoW expansion. It was fun. The quests were cute, the art was lush, the new Monk class is fun, the idea of an island on the back of a turtle was great, the oriental culture was cool—yeah, I liked it.

Pandaren

What I hated was the pandas. That is my one and only complaint. How will this affect my machinima? Not much. I hate elves, and that’s  not a world-ender. I’ll probably make a lot of movies picking on the Pandaren. No big.

But how does this affect World of Warcraft? I’m scared to think about it. Look, Blizzard needed to announce something amazing this weekend. Let’s face it, Cataclysm was cool–but it was no Wrath of the Lich King. Adding giant, talking pandas to World of Warcraft makes Blizzard that much closer to being the next Disney.

Now, I understand that many of you like the pandas. That’s fine, I’m glad you’ll enjoy the next expansion. I just don’t feel like pandas–as a major part of the game–fit with World of Warcraft. Yes, I realize that they were in Warcraft III, but they didn’t have a major role. They were as important as a step in a minor quest; nothing to create an entire continent and playable race around.

You will get some fans excited over this. Maybe lots of fans. But if the people I met at Blizzcon are a good enough sample, the majority won’t take this expansion seriously, solely because of the pandas. I know this may not be fair due to the greatness of the rest of the expansion (aside from the Pokemon…but that’s another angry blog post). But I think it will be reality, for no one wants to play a game about clowns–especially giant, fuzzy, black and white clowns.

I don’t say this as just another disgruntled fan. I say this as the marketing manager of a multi million dollar company. Having Pandaren as the big, new, primary cherry at the top of this expansion sundae is just bad business. Blizzard needs to choose a new race that everyone thinks is awesome. They can’t afford half, a third, or even a fourth or their fans to be apathetic about it.

Everyone knows about my elf hatred and how angry I was when the Horde got Blood Elves, but I never wrote a blog like this about them, and I never thought Blizzard had made a poor business choice with the Blood Elves, because, as much as I hate them, most people like tall, lanky, sexy Blood Elves. It was good business. But if what I heard at Blizzcon is any indication, pandas are not. During the closing ceremony, the host said, “…and we revealed the Mists of Pandaria!” The crowd booed. Thousands of hardcore Blizzard fans, many of whom traveled halfway around the world to visit Blizzcon, booed.

Here is a picture of the Mists of Pandaria gameplay center at Blizzcon.

There’s no one playing. Granted, this was during the Foo Fighter concert, but at the same time both the Diablo III and Starcraft II gameplay lines were wrapped around the convention. I played Pandaria because it was the only game I didn’t have to wait in an hour-long line for, and I got to stay for two hours because there was no demand. Either all WoW players are hardcore Foo Fighter fans and the other gamers not-so-much, or not very many people are excited about Pandaria.

As I played, Blizzcon attendees were hating on Pandaria in the local chat. I stopped counting the number of derogatory Kung-Fu Panda comparisons I saw; character names like “PandasSuck” and “LameBear”; people shouting in red: THE END OF WOW HAS COME; and so on. Has it always been like this with a new expansion? Not to this extreme, I think.

Who came up with this idea? If I was told to sit down and come up with a really silly expansion idea like, this–giant talking kung-fu pandas–is something I would come up with. This is the internet rumor that everyone laughs about because they know its a joke. But it’s not. It’s true. And it is the last thing Blizzard needs.

Warcraft is a fantasy universe. In a fantasy universe, I expect to see the archetypal fantasy characters (dwarves, orcs, elves, etc.) and I expect to see new, strange and wonderful monsters (draenei, trolls, etc.). I don’t want to see ANYTHING that jolts me and pops me out of this fantasy. The “suspension of disbelief” is what is necessary for your audience to buy into the world and love it. Any movie, game or book that nukes a fridge or leaps over a shark, jolts their audience out of their suspension of disbelieve and ruins it for them.

Blizzard, this is your nuked fridge. You’ve officially jumped the shark. Talking pandas are something I’d expect from a kid’s night-time storybook. There is a reason Kung Fu Panda was aimed at kids–because pandas are silly, and kids and girls (and furries) like them.

Pandas belong in the company of other cute fuzzy animals, like bunnies, squirrels and kitty-cats. Who, when thinking of an anthropomorphic monster to play and defeat enemies with, says “panda“? Aside from, again, furries. Pandas belong to Disney, Dreamworks and other children’s cartoons–not World of Warcraft.

Maybe I’m just getting old. Or maybe WoW has always been geared for kids and I’m just now realizing it. The Tauren, which some have accused of being furry-fodder, are pretty epic–after all, they are designed after the Minotaur, a monster from Greek myth whose origin is anything but family friendly. Just Google “Minotaur”, “white ox” and “labyrinth” to see for yourself. But giant fuzzy panda bears that you can dress up and do Kung Fu with? Ox is sad.

I’m fine with jokes in the game. If you want to have a brewmaster panda pet, that’s cool. But the moment you take that bit of silliness and turn it into an entire race, continent, class combo, well, I’m afraid you’re either caving in to furry fandom or you’re lazy. I mean, seriously, Panda-ren? Panda-ria?

Well. So this is WoW. We have pandas and wolf-men. More and more people are showing up in furry costumes and wearing fox-tails. I guess I am going to have to get used to it. Or find a new hobby.

Baby Hipporia

Hey everybody, it’s time to design the next expansion! I’ve got a great idea that is sure to make everyone happy.

• New Race: Baby Hipporen
• New Continent: Baby Hipporia
• New Class: Shallow Water Wader

Baby hippos are the cutest things in the world! Let’s make a race out of them. They’ll be so portly and cute. Their racials can be steamy-snout-snorts, where they blow water at their enemies in such a cute way.

And we can dress them up in little costumes! What stereotypical race of man can we ascribe to the baby hippos? Pandas have The Orient, Dwarves have Germans/Scottish, Draenei have Russians, Tauren have Native Americans, Trolls have Tribal/Jamaicans and so on. I know! Let’s make them a bunch of fish-eating Swedes! Can’t you imagine a baby hippo with a Swedish accent? So cute!

Am I out of line here? Leave a comment below and tell me just how right or wrong I am.